The Night on the Terrace

I told you that I would tell you the details of this story one day. You said you couldn't wait 50 non-dates to hear it. I can't help but wonder if you'll ever read it here and how many non-dates from now that will be.

The night on the terrace was the first time I realized that every other woman was falling completely off of the planet for me because of you. I already knew that I was smitten with you but that night it became clear that I was truly spun.

I was at Union Park on a warm summer night with nothing but the starry sky above my head. My favorite kind of night. The best nights of my life have always been on nights like that.

I was in the midst of a fun, playful period that had defined my life for the previous 2 months. Nights downtown with friends, playful flirtations with beautiful girls, getting the attention that I crave so fiercely. That night was identical to so many others... only I wasn't.

I had been with you the previous night. Dinner and a movie. It had been exactly the way it always was between us during those first few meetings. Your beautiful smile and laughter at my jokes. Your cutting wit and sarcasm intensifying my enamorment of you. Hour after hour where I was lucky enough to be able to look into your lovely eyes and share your wonderful thoughts. Hours that I wanted to last forever but seemed to pass in seconds.
During one moment near the end of the night we separated after the movie. You waited for me outside, leaning against a wall as I emerged. Before you turned to look back at me there was a brief moment when I was able to just look at you, to drink you in. I couldn't say it at the time, we were still in a place where it felt inappropriate... but I honestly thought you were so strikingly beautiful that it slayed me. I wanted so badly to tell you how incredible you were.

So there I was the next night. Out in a beautiful place on a beautiful night surrounded by beautiful women, literally sitting in the middle of a pack of them, playing and flirting... but I just wanted to be with you again.
There was a woman there whom I had met on other similar occasions, a friend of a friend. At one point we moved away from the group and she said to me "You don't quite seem like your normal fun-loving self tonight".
"Yeah. Kinda got something personal going on."
"You like someone?"
"Yeah... yeah, definitely"
"She like you back?"
"I.... don't know"
"And there it is"
"Yup, there it is"

Oddly enough, she was involved in a similar situation, so a huge portion of our night was spent telling each other our stories of these people we had recently met and were excited about, but were also hesitant as to what it meant and where it was leading.

I had been on that terrace many times before. Wonderful parties with the laughter of good friends, the bliss of great memories being made, intimate conversations with those closest to me and dancing ourselves into gratifying exhaustion. But that night it felt incomplete, as if the night's colors had been dulled, the stars didn't twinkle quite as brightly, the drinks didn't taste as sweet and the laughter wasn't quite as pleasurable... because you weren't near.

The Moment My Breath Left Me

The night after our first lunch together I wrote to a close friend.

I had been in a happy period for over a year. Blissful in the freedom I had, living my life without the complications and inherent disappointments of a serious relationship. I wasn't a playboy, I wasn't a conqueror. I was simply enjoying an unfettered life amongst my friends on my own terms. I was beholden to no one and felt none of the frustration those situations always seemed to bring.

The fleeting attentions of women came and went, but I was careful to keep everything in my life light, playful and pleasant. I had made a conscious decision to not pursue anyone, I had learned that the energy spent on said exploits gained only a hollow reward. I would instead sit calmly, letting my life flow over me and for once just be. Whatever was happening was as it should be, there was no need to try and affect it.

I knew half way through our first conversation that was all about to change. I couldn't know where it would lead, but I knew for certain that I would no longer be standing idly by, that I was about to be inspired. Someone rare and exquisite had crossed my path and that couldn't be ignored.

I wrote:

"And then today happened. And I sat across from this beautiful creature, astounded that anyone could be so beautiful... and I listened to her words, her thoughts, her sarcastic playfulness, her french accent, her life growing up in Paris, her full lips, her current pursuit of a PhD, her brown eyes, the four languages she speaks, her long black hair, her political views, her French/Moroccan features, her experiences in the world where I've never been, the wonderful curves of her voluptuous body, her laughter at my jokes and my laughter at hers...

...and all I could think was 'This is actually the exact type of person I've been looking for. I am so fucked.' "

The Point of This

This is for me. This is for you.

So that I can remember. So that you can know.

There are things that I can't say now, thoughts that I can't share with you. Conversations about you with friends that you don't know about. Gleeful little moments of anticipation just before I see you and intoxication directly after you've gone. Moments when my heart races just because you're near and no matter how long you stay, each time you leave it's always much too soon. Brief, fleeting glances when I look into your eyes and fall a little bit more.

These are things that I alone know. This is how I can share them with you.

Not today, but maybe one day, depending on where our path leads.

These are the things I would share with you if it were six months from now and if we were "us".