The Call

Following the Friday dinner and "The Talk" I had two options:
1 - Go straight home (where I would no doubt turn everything over in my head repeatedly all night long, dissecting every nuance of the conversation and whether or not my decision was the right one)
2 - Respond to the calls from friends to go out, where I would hopefully be able to focus less on the choice that seemed as though it was going to be very impactful.

I chose the latter.

The night was not bad, but nowhere near as pleasant as dinner with you before "The Talk" started. I did keep my mind off of things for most of the night, but it was obvious that I wasn't going to be able to just shirk it off. This became especially clear when a cute girl danced up to me, told me she loved the way I danced and we moved together for a while. On any other night that would be rather flattering, but on this Friday night it had no affect at all. There was only one person whose attention I sought and I was becoming increasingly disappointed that I was going to have to just let that go.

I spent the weekend mostly alone, trying to get my head level about everything. I had been putting an immense amount of time, energy and money into my social life for the last two months and I decided that needed to change. I passed on offers to go out on Saturday and Sunday, choosing instead to take care of things around the house.

Then something surprising happened. You called.

And you said (almost) exactly what I wanted to hear. That you felt my decision had been rash and without necessity, perhaps we should rewind and act as though that decision hadn't been made. The conversation wasn't uncomfortable or tense... in fact it was rather light, fun and even a bit more flirtatious than we had been up to that point. Plus, it lasted 3 hours yet seemed to fly by in minutes. You kept apologizing for taking up my time. I wasn't sure if that was your way of hinting that I was taking too much of your time, but every time you would say it all I could think was "Don't you know that you can have as much of my time as you want? Take it, please". :)
You were the one person that I wanted to talk to at that moment, there was nowhere else that I wanted to be.

The conversation ended with me still feeling conflicted. Two days earlier I had successfully side-stepped what I knew was going to become a difficult, complicated situation. Yet, here you were, offering me the opportunity to change my mind. I was surprised that I was rational enough to make the right decision at dinner, I already knew that giving me the chance to spend more time with you would be too much of a temptation to pass up. I also knew that it meant I would be headed for an uncomfortable situation.

I was going to see you, spend time with you, laugh with you, enjoy long, deep conversations with you, but all the while having to maintain this distance (both emotional and physical) which would feel more and more wrong each time. I was going to continue becoming attached to you, falling for you and I would spend every minute wondering if you were feeling anything at all or if I was alone in all of it.

And there was the was the question of why you reached out at all? Was it that you found me pleasant and entertaining and wanted to spend time with me simply because it was fun... or was there some thin sliver of feeling, some inkling of a thought that maybe there was a potential for something between us?

Whatever the case, my decision was made long before we got off of the phone. I knew that I wouldn't pass up an opportunity to see you again.

And I knew that meant I was headed for limbo.