Heartless

It's now been about six weeks since we started talking and had our first "non-date".

In that time we've seen each other in some form of "non-date" at least twice each week, with messages, IMs, emails, etc. just about every day in between.

That's enough time spent for a person to know if they are starting to feel something for someone, even if it's just the smallest hint of interest/attraction. So I no longer feel a little pinch of shame when I say (to myself, to my friends, and even to you) that I'm feeling something very strong for you.

But you haven't given an inch.

At first I thought it was just a coy game we were playing. That we both knew there was a mutual attraction and growing interest, that we were just dancing around it with our witty sarcasm. But now we're getting to a place where things are getting uncomfortable (like I said they would when we had "The Talk™"). I'm starting to push my flirtations farther, making it clear that as much as I love the playful time we spend together, there is this growing desire to be closer to you, to start saying things that cannot be said with words.

When I last saw you there was a moment when I was looking into your eyes and you were taken aback. You asked "Why are you looking at me like that?".
"I always looks at you", I answered.
"No. This time it's different... you have a different look"

Yes. I was looking at you like I wanted to seduce you. I was looking at you like I desired you. How could I not?

As the evening went on the conversation was eventually taken back to "The Talk™" (by me, of course) because something is starting to happen that concerns me. My interpretation of our playful banter is more and more appearing to be completely off-base. I realized sometime during the evening that even though I've been flatly obvious about my feelings it's as if you can't relate to what I'm feeling at all. And it's not just that you don't feel that way about me... by your own admissions, I'm starting to wonder if it's possible for you to feel the way I feel at all... about anyone.

I understand about being in a place where you don't want to date anyone seriously. I understand about wanting to avoid the complications it entails. I understand about not wanting to give up part of your life to fit someone else into it. I understand about being afraid of being hurt. I understand about being cautious of the motives of others. But I don't understand how anyone could spend the time we've spent together and not feel... anything.

During the conversation you proclaimed yourself to be a lover of romance... but I'm finding it hard to believe that. Perhaps we have very different impressions of what constitutes romance. The moments we have spent have been (to me) very romantic, at times it's all I can do to contain myself within it all. The nights we have (again, to me) are the nights that romantics dream of. But while I'm doing everything I can to restrain myself you seem to be completely unaffected by it all. I submit that I am the true romantic and you are a poseur. :)

I wanted nothing serious. I wanted my life to remain uncomplicated. I didn't want to allow myself to desire, need or trust someone again. I didn't want to let my guard down, release my cautions of others. Then I met you... and it was no longer under my control.

I don't want to complicate your life. I don't want to take away any of your freedom or independence. I don't want to diminish your happiness. I'm not sure if that's what you're worried about... if so, there's no need. I'm happy, but when I'm with you I'm even happier. And when I look forward and think of the things I want to share with you I'm happier even still. I wish you were there too.

So now it's obvious that you aren't feeling anything (and I don't know exactly why you don't)... or else you're the best person at hiding your emotions that I've ever met. At first I thought that perhaps I was being tested, being put through a set of paces to prove that my intentions weren't a fleeting whim, that my attraction wasn't a simple infatuation. Maybe that's actually what's happening... but it doesn't seem like it.

More and more it seems that you are in no way affected by us the way I am. And I have no idea how you do that. I really wish I could.

Ultimately what has me worried is that I've always thrown my heart to the wrong people. People who may have been beautiful, but lacked the mind to keep me truly interested, inspired and intrigued. I've also spent time with people who had so much heart, so much affection to give, but for some reason weren't able to ignite that romantic spark in me.

I've never actually met someone whom I found so completely attractive and so intellectually stimulating until you came along.

But what about heart?

Is the downfall of my hopeful romance with you going to be the fact that you simply don't have the ability (or I don't inspire it in you) to fall madly, overwhelmingly in love? Or even mildly in love? Or even in deep like? :)

It just doesn't add up though. We've talked. You say you have fun when we're together, you say you find me attractive, you *have* reached out to me at times (even though you won't admit it) ... asking me to be around you... even calling to tell me to rethink walking away from this... and you even admitted that you think if we ended up together it "would be good".

You go out of your way to make it very clear to me that you have no emotional involvement in this, that you feel nothing and are not affected by it at all. That I do not have the power to make you feel anything at all. Which, by the way, is really a horrible thing to say... it makes me seem very... unimportant, insignificant and valueless. Very bad when I'm offering myself up to you body and soul.

Either you're truly emotion-proof where I'm concerned or you're hiding.

I hope it's the latter... and I wish I knew why... there's no reason to... and days are passing by.

Anton Sonin & AMX feat. Sari - Undone (Original Mix)