Limbo

Following your call we went back to things as usual. Daily IM's, txts or even seeing each other in person. A lunch the following Monday prompted by you, a happy hour invitation (again prompted by you) and even dinner/movie plans for the weekend. The weekend plan had meant to be your first introduction to RoZim, my best friend these days. Unfortunately she was already booked so we decided to postpone that meeting for another time when our schedules allowed. I assumed that meant the weekend plan would dissolve but you asked if we could still do something.

And this is limbo.

Even though I'm still spending time with you, I've definitely taken a step back. I try not to think of things as "going somewhere" but rather try to be content with spending a bit of time with you and the happiness that brings me right now. I'm losing that battle.
At the same time, it fosters a sense frustration. I'm surpressing certain thoughts, feelings and words. Things that I would normally do or say as my comfort level increases and we become closer seem out of place and innapropriate with you. I want to compliment you or reach out and touch you but it feels cumbersome and awkward.

And you're not helping. :)

You reach out to me, asking for us to spend time together, but I have no idea if for you it is no different from the time you spend with others. You seem to elicit my feelings and words, as if you want to hear them and know where my emtions are taking me. You ask, you probe and you prompt. I, of course, resist for a moment, then relent and reveal everything... and then regret it immediately. Because I have no idea what my words and feelings mean to you. I feel a fool.

I am exactly where I knew I would be. Completely lost as to how to interpret everything and how to be around you. I won't stop though, not as long as it continues to be pleasurable and as long as there is the possibility that you do feel something. I figure it won't become too uncomfortable for another few weeks, at which point I'll either know where you stand by your actions or the fact that I can no longer handle the limbo and simply ask you outright....

...exactly like I did at dinner over a week ago.