The Diving Bell and The Drug of Elation

Last week was different. Hectic and difficult.

You had everyone in from India and a non-stop schedule of presentations, meetings, lunches and dinners. I knew that I wouldn't see you, which was fine... but I also knew that it would give me too much time to think, which is never fine. I knew that I would miss seeing you, but I could hack that. What I didn't like was that when the week was over I couldn't help but to wonder if you had missed me too.

I don't think you did... and even if you did, you would never admit it.

Limbo has now taken on a different feeling. It isn't just the "not knowing"... trying to figure out what exactly we're doing, what you're thinking/feeling, etc. Now it has become a constant puzzle as to whether or not you feel anything at all... if you're even capable of feeling anything... not just for me, for anyone. But I'll get to that later...

I woke on Saturday and didn't have much drive to attack the day. There was this pervasive feeling of being inconsequential that was difficult to shake.

I decided to watch a movie which you had recommended "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly". I knew the synopsis of the story, so I expected it would be powerful and sad. What I didn't expect was for it to suddenly return my drive to attack the day.

For me the film had a clear "carpe diem" message. I try to live my life that way as much as possible, mostly to keep my sanity since I'm such a regret-driven soul, but I often lose sight of this and allow moments to pass me by rather wastefully. I knew that I had been intentially distancing myself from you during the week. Partially due to your schedule, partially because I'm trying to slow my fall, but mainly because I wanted to know if after not seeing me for a week would you reach out to me? You didn't.

Rather than sit idly by and wait, I knew that the one thing I really wanted to do on that day was see you... or at least talk to you... hear your laugh... hear the accented words rolling off your tongue. So I left you a message, curious as to whether or not you would respond. I went off and accomplished things that needed to be done. To my surprise when I returned you had replied. I called you and the evening plans were made. I was going to get exactly what I wanted today.

Fast forward to the night. Again I sat, waiting for you with excited anticipation. For the first time I actually kept one eye on the door as I let the minutes pass. I wanted to see you the moment you walked in. I wanted to steal those few seconds and see you before you saw me so that I could drink you in without you knowing, without you reacting to my gaze. You were absolutely lovely.

The night was just like the others. Fun, funny, witty, flirtatious (but never enough for my taste) and uncomfortable in places. Again I took the conversation where I always tell myself not to... to the subject of defining exactly what the hell we're doing. And, as always, I came out of it with absolutely no clarity whatsoever. But that didn't dampen the fact that I left with the same elation that I always feel after I've been with you.

I had a gift to deliver to RoZim, making up for a moment of insensitivity on my part. All the way to her house I had the same intoxicated, gleeful feeling that I always get from time with you. It's slightly euphoric, which is why I consider it a drug. Definitely my drug of choice.

Mark Pledger vs. Matt Hardwick feat. Melinda Gareh - Fallen Tides (Original Mix)