I've always been good at turning heartbreak into creative inspiration. So, if nothing else, the way I feel right now and the lingering remnants of the bliss that I felt during the last 2 months has been captured in a dance track that I worked on last year. I never could name it though...
It's far from complete and the mix is very messy and rough, but at least now it has a name:
lwt - Spun (The Parisian Mix)
It also still needs a vocal mix completed. Here are the lyrics. Written about another situation, but still quite apropos, which shows that I tend to always get myself into the same situations.
lwt - Spun
Bring me down (again)...
...from the clouds (again)
Standing on the sideline (again)
Waiting for the right time (and when)...
...I can play (again)...
...In her game (and win)
Stars are lining up right (again)...
...not missing one from that night (pretend)
She goes up, I come down
She goes up, I come down
She takes flight, I hit the ground
I get so spun and somehow I'm always coming down
She's in space (again)
Found her place (again)
Sure she's got the right one (in him)
Now her life is set to (begin)
To the show (again)
Heart is on (the mend)
The candyflip of chemicals (within)
The only bliss that i know (won't end)
She goes up, I come down
She goes up, I come down
I get so spun when you're around
Somehow I'm always coming down
Even after I'm already on the ground
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Something Bad Is About To Happen
Some things I just seem to know. I know when it's time to leave the party, I know when I'm making hasty decisions, I know when I'm saying too much. Right now I know that something bad is about to happen.
You're back from vacation with "great news". I know that "great news" for you means "bad news" for me. There have been times in the past when I've feared that or dreaded that... but this time I know it.
I'm pretty sure I know what your news is... and if I'm right then you'll probably never read these words. I'll keep them here to remind myself of where I was for a little while, the little blip on the radar that this summer represented, but ultimately they will find their place amongst all the others of their ilk.
Within the next couple of days I'll know for sure, but I believe that will only serve to verify what I already know.
Au revoir, Little Latte.
You're back from vacation with "great news". I know that "great news" for you means "bad news" for me. There have been times in the past when I've feared that or dreaded that... but this time I know it.
I'm pretty sure I know what your news is... and if I'm right then you'll probably never read these words. I'll keep them here to remind myself of where I was for a little while, the little blip on the radar that this summer represented, but ultimately they will find their place amongst all the others of their ilk.
Within the next couple of days I'll know for sure, but I believe that will only serve to verify what I already know.
Au revoir, Little Latte.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Heartless
It's now been about six weeks since we started talking and had our first "non-date".
In that time we've seen each other in some form of "non-date" at least twice each week, with messages, IMs, emails, etc. just about every day in between.
That's enough time spent for a person to know if they are starting to feel something for someone, even if it's just the smallest hint of interest/attraction. So I no longer feel a little pinch of shame when I say (to myself, to my friends, and even to you) that I'm feeling something very strong for you.
But you haven't given an inch.
At first I thought it was just a coy game we were playing. That we both knew there was a mutual attraction and growing interest, that we were just dancing around it with our witty sarcasm. But now we're getting to a place where things are getting uncomfortable (like I said they would when we had "The Talk™"). I'm starting to push my flirtations farther, making it clear that as much as I love the playful time we spend together, there is this growing desire to be closer to you, to start saying things that cannot be said with words.
When I last saw you there was a moment when I was looking into your eyes and you were taken aback. You asked "Why are you looking at me like that?".
"I always looks at you", I answered.
"No. This time it's different... you have a different look"
Yes. I was looking at you like I wanted to seduce you. I was looking at you like I desired you. How could I not?
As the evening went on the conversation was eventually taken back to "The Talk™" (by me, of course) because something is starting to happen that concerns me. My interpretation of our playful banter is more and more appearing to be completely off-base. I realized sometime during the evening that even though I've been flatly obvious about my feelings it's as if you can't relate to what I'm feeling at all. And it's not just that you don't feel that way about me... by your own admissions, I'm starting to wonder if it's possible for you to feel the way I feel at all... about anyone.
I understand about being in a place where you don't want to date anyone seriously. I understand about wanting to avoid the complications it entails. I understand about not wanting to give up part of your life to fit someone else into it. I understand about being afraid of being hurt. I understand about being cautious of the motives of others. But I don't understand how anyone could spend the time we've spent together and not feel... anything.
During the conversation you proclaimed yourself to be a lover of romance... but I'm finding it hard to believe that. Perhaps we have very different impressions of what constitutes romance. The moments we have spent have been (to me) very romantic, at times it's all I can do to contain myself within it all. The nights we have (again, to me) are the nights that romantics dream of. But while I'm doing everything I can to restrain myself you seem to be completely unaffected by it all. I submit that I am the true romantic and you are a poseur. :)
I wanted nothing serious. I wanted my life to remain uncomplicated. I didn't want to allow myself to desire, need or trust someone again. I didn't want to let my guard down, release my cautions of others. Then I met you... and it was no longer under my control.
I don't want to complicate your life. I don't want to take away any of your freedom or independence. I don't want to diminish your happiness. I'm not sure if that's what you're worried about... if so, there's no need. I'm happy, but when I'm with you I'm even happier. And when I look forward and think of the things I want to share with you I'm happier even still. I wish you were there too.
So now it's obvious that you aren't feeling anything (and I don't know exactly why you don't)... or else you're the best person at hiding your emotions that I've ever met. At first I thought that perhaps I was being tested, being put through a set of paces to prove that my intentions weren't a fleeting whim, that my attraction wasn't a simple infatuation. Maybe that's actually what's happening... but it doesn't seem like it.
More and more it seems that you are in no way affected by us the way I am. And I have no idea how you do that. I really wish I could.
Ultimately what has me worried is that I've always thrown my heart to the wrong people. People who may have been beautiful, but lacked the mind to keep me truly interested, inspired and intrigued. I've also spent time with people who had so much heart, so much affection to give, but for some reason weren't able to ignite that romantic spark in me.
I've never actually met someone whom I found so completely attractive and so intellectually stimulating until you came along.
But what about heart?
Is the downfall of my hopeful romance with you going to be the fact that you simply don't have the ability (or I don't inspire it in you) to fall madly, overwhelmingly in love? Or even mildly in love? Or even in deep like? :)
It just doesn't add up though. We've talked. You say you have fun when we're together, you say you find me attractive, you *have* reached out to me at times (even though you won't admit it) ... asking me to be around you... even calling to tell me to rethink walking away from this... and you even admitted that you think if we ended up together it "would be good".
You go out of your way to make it very clear to me that you have no emotional involvement in this, that you feel nothing and are not affected by it at all. That I do not have the power to make you feel anything at all. Which, by the way, is really a horrible thing to say... it makes me seem very... unimportant, insignificant and valueless. Very bad when I'm offering myself up to you body and soul.
Either you're truly emotion-proof where I'm concerned or you're hiding.
I hope it's the latter... and I wish I knew why... there's no reason to... and days are passing by.
Anton Sonin & AMX feat. Sari - Undone (Original Mix)
In that time we've seen each other in some form of "non-date" at least twice each week, with messages, IMs, emails, etc. just about every day in between.
That's enough time spent for a person to know if they are starting to feel something for someone, even if it's just the smallest hint of interest/attraction. So I no longer feel a little pinch of shame when I say (to myself, to my friends, and even to you) that I'm feeling something very strong for you.
But you haven't given an inch.
At first I thought it was just a coy game we were playing. That we both knew there was a mutual attraction and growing interest, that we were just dancing around it with our witty sarcasm. But now we're getting to a place where things are getting uncomfortable (like I said they would when we had "The Talk™"). I'm starting to push my flirtations farther, making it clear that as much as I love the playful time we spend together, there is this growing desire to be closer to you, to start saying things that cannot be said with words.
When I last saw you there was a moment when I was looking into your eyes and you were taken aback. You asked "Why are you looking at me like that?".
"I always looks at you", I answered.
"No. This time it's different... you have a different look"
Yes. I was looking at you like I wanted to seduce you. I was looking at you like I desired you. How could I not?
As the evening went on the conversation was eventually taken back to "The Talk™" (by me, of course) because something is starting to happen that concerns me. My interpretation of our playful banter is more and more appearing to be completely off-base. I realized sometime during the evening that even though I've been flatly obvious about my feelings it's as if you can't relate to what I'm feeling at all. And it's not just that you don't feel that way about me... by your own admissions, I'm starting to wonder if it's possible for you to feel the way I feel at all... about anyone.
I understand about being in a place where you don't want to date anyone seriously. I understand about wanting to avoid the complications it entails. I understand about not wanting to give up part of your life to fit someone else into it. I understand about being afraid of being hurt. I understand about being cautious of the motives of others. But I don't understand how anyone could spend the time we've spent together and not feel... anything.
During the conversation you proclaimed yourself to be a lover of romance... but I'm finding it hard to believe that. Perhaps we have very different impressions of what constitutes romance. The moments we have spent have been (to me) very romantic, at times it's all I can do to contain myself within it all. The nights we have (again, to me) are the nights that romantics dream of. But while I'm doing everything I can to restrain myself you seem to be completely unaffected by it all. I submit that I am the true romantic and you are a poseur. :)
I wanted nothing serious. I wanted my life to remain uncomplicated. I didn't want to allow myself to desire, need or trust someone again. I didn't want to let my guard down, release my cautions of others. Then I met you... and it was no longer under my control.
I don't want to complicate your life. I don't want to take away any of your freedom or independence. I don't want to diminish your happiness. I'm not sure if that's what you're worried about... if so, there's no need. I'm happy, but when I'm with you I'm even happier. And when I look forward and think of the things I want to share with you I'm happier even still. I wish you were there too.
So now it's obvious that you aren't feeling anything (and I don't know exactly why you don't)... or else you're the best person at hiding your emotions that I've ever met. At first I thought that perhaps I was being tested, being put through a set of paces to prove that my intentions weren't a fleeting whim, that my attraction wasn't a simple infatuation. Maybe that's actually what's happening... but it doesn't seem like it.
More and more it seems that you are in no way affected by us the way I am. And I have no idea how you do that. I really wish I could.
Ultimately what has me worried is that I've always thrown my heart to the wrong people. People who may have been beautiful, but lacked the mind to keep me truly interested, inspired and intrigued. I've also spent time with people who had so much heart, so much affection to give, but for some reason weren't able to ignite that romantic spark in me.
I've never actually met someone whom I found so completely attractive and so intellectually stimulating until you came along.
But what about heart?
Is the downfall of my hopeful romance with you going to be the fact that you simply don't have the ability (or I don't inspire it in you) to fall madly, overwhelmingly in love? Or even mildly in love? Or even in deep like? :)
It just doesn't add up though. We've talked. You say you have fun when we're together, you say you find me attractive, you *have* reached out to me at times (even though you won't admit it) ... asking me to be around you... even calling to tell me to rethink walking away from this... and you even admitted that you think if we ended up together it "would be good".
You go out of your way to make it very clear to me that you have no emotional involvement in this, that you feel nothing and are not affected by it at all. That I do not have the power to make you feel anything at all. Which, by the way, is really a horrible thing to say... it makes me seem very... unimportant, insignificant and valueless. Very bad when I'm offering myself up to you body and soul.
Either you're truly emotion-proof where I'm concerned or you're hiding.
I hope it's the latter... and I wish I knew why... there's no reason to... and days are passing by.
Anton Sonin & AMX feat. Sari - Undone (Original Mix)
The Diving Bell and The Drug of Elation
Last week was different. Hectic and difficult.
You had everyone in from India and a non-stop schedule of presentations, meetings, lunches and dinners. I knew that I wouldn't see you, which was fine... but I also knew that it would give me too much time to think, which is never fine. I knew that I would miss seeing you, but I could hack that. What I didn't like was that when the week was over I couldn't help but to wonder if you had missed me too.
I don't think you did... and even if you did, you would never admit it.
Limbo has now taken on a different feeling. It isn't just the "not knowing"... trying to figure out what exactly we're doing, what you're thinking/feeling, etc. Now it has become a constant puzzle as to whether or not you feel anything at all... if you're even capable of feeling anything... not just for me, for anyone. But I'll get to that later...
I woke on Saturday and didn't have much drive to attack the day. There was this pervasive feeling of being inconsequential that was difficult to shake.
I decided to watch a movie which you had recommended "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly". I knew the synopsis of the story, so I expected it would be powerful and sad. What I didn't expect was for it to suddenly return my drive to attack the day.
For me the film had a clear "carpe diem" message. I try to live my life that way as much as possible, mostly to keep my sanity since I'm such a regret-driven soul, but I often lose sight of this and allow moments to pass me by rather wastefully. I knew that I had been intentially distancing myself from you during the week. Partially due to your schedule, partially because I'm trying to slow my fall, but mainly because I wanted to know if after not seeing me for a week would you reach out to me? You didn't.
Rather than sit idly by and wait, I knew that the one thing I really wanted to do on that day was see you... or at least talk to you... hear your laugh... hear the accented words rolling off your tongue. So I left you a message, curious as to whether or not you would respond. I went off and accomplished things that needed to be done. To my surprise when I returned you had replied. I called you and the evening plans were made. I was going to get exactly what I wanted today.
Fast forward to the night. Again I sat, waiting for you with excited anticipation. For the first time I actually kept one eye on the door as I let the minutes pass. I wanted to see you the moment you walked in. I wanted to steal those few seconds and see you before you saw me so that I could drink you in without you knowing, without you reacting to my gaze. You were absolutely lovely.
The night was just like the others. Fun, funny, witty, flirtatious (but never enough for my taste) and uncomfortable in places. Again I took the conversation where I always tell myself not to... to the subject of defining exactly what the hell we're doing. And, as always, I came out of it with absolutely no clarity whatsoever. But that didn't dampen the fact that I left with the same elation that I always feel after I've been with you.
I had a gift to deliver to RoZim, making up for a moment of insensitivity on my part. All the way to her house I had the same intoxicated, gleeful feeling that I always get from time with you. It's slightly euphoric, which is why I consider it a drug. Definitely my drug of choice.
Mark Pledger vs. Matt Hardwick feat. Melinda Gareh - Fallen Tides (Original Mix)
You had everyone in from India and a non-stop schedule of presentations, meetings, lunches and dinners. I knew that I wouldn't see you, which was fine... but I also knew that it would give me too much time to think, which is never fine. I knew that I would miss seeing you, but I could hack that. What I didn't like was that when the week was over I couldn't help but to wonder if you had missed me too.
I don't think you did... and even if you did, you would never admit it.
Limbo has now taken on a different feeling. It isn't just the "not knowing"... trying to figure out what exactly we're doing, what you're thinking/feeling, etc. Now it has become a constant puzzle as to whether or not you feel anything at all... if you're even capable of feeling anything... not just for me, for anyone. But I'll get to that later...
I woke on Saturday and didn't have much drive to attack the day. There was this pervasive feeling of being inconsequential that was difficult to shake.
I decided to watch a movie which you had recommended "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly". I knew the synopsis of the story, so I expected it would be powerful and sad. What I didn't expect was for it to suddenly return my drive to attack the day.
For me the film had a clear "carpe diem" message. I try to live my life that way as much as possible, mostly to keep my sanity since I'm such a regret-driven soul, but I often lose sight of this and allow moments to pass me by rather wastefully. I knew that I had been intentially distancing myself from you during the week. Partially due to your schedule, partially because I'm trying to slow my fall, but mainly because I wanted to know if after not seeing me for a week would you reach out to me? You didn't.
Rather than sit idly by and wait, I knew that the one thing I really wanted to do on that day was see you... or at least talk to you... hear your laugh... hear the accented words rolling off your tongue. So I left you a message, curious as to whether or not you would respond. I went off and accomplished things that needed to be done. To my surprise when I returned you had replied. I called you and the evening plans were made. I was going to get exactly what I wanted today.
Fast forward to the night. Again I sat, waiting for you with excited anticipation. For the first time I actually kept one eye on the door as I let the minutes pass. I wanted to see you the moment you walked in. I wanted to steal those few seconds and see you before you saw me so that I could drink you in without you knowing, without you reacting to my gaze. You were absolutely lovely.
The night was just like the others. Fun, funny, witty, flirtatious (but never enough for my taste) and uncomfortable in places. Again I took the conversation where I always tell myself not to... to the subject of defining exactly what the hell we're doing. And, as always, I came out of it with absolutely no clarity whatsoever. But that didn't dampen the fact that I left with the same elation that I always feel after I've been with you.
I had a gift to deliver to RoZim, making up for a moment of insensitivity on my part. All the way to her house I had the same intoxicated, gleeful feeling that I always get from time with you. It's slightly euphoric, which is why I consider it a drug. Definitely my drug of choice.
Mark Pledger vs. Matt Hardwick feat. Melinda Gareh - Fallen Tides (Original Mix)
Monday, August 11, 2008
Two Messages
Heading into our weekend lunch/movie plans I was a bit apprehensive. A week of getting closer to you yet gaining no clarity on what "we" are was starting to wear on me a bit. You also didn't seem to be as excited about us seeing each other as you normally were. As always, I didn't know how to interpret that. I also wasn't bubbling over with my usual excitement about seeing you, mostly because it was starting to feel similar to Russian Roulette. I'm never quite sure if the conversation is going to spin off into a direction that leads to things I don't want to hear.
Before I left to meet you I sent a txt to RoZim hinting at this. And she responded in a way that put things in perfect perspective:
"Dude. Change the attitude. You are going to see your dream girl!"
I guess that's what I hate most about being in this position. I can't let myself be as happy as I normally would be, can't let myself get too carried away with it... because it's totally undefined.
Later that night, after I had yet another nice evening with you (and was once again goaded into telling you something I so wanted to, but so wanted to keep to myself... that you are, without a doubt, one of the most beautiful women I've ever personally known) I got another text from her as we were discussing the great people in our lives who had "gotten away".
(This was especially funny because she has been my confidant in everything with you, knowing every detail, even many things that you don't... until you read this)
"Have you ever met someone that you massively liked. And you talk to them and found the conversation to just... flow. The laughter comes and it's genuine and everything is just... fun?"
Uh, yes, I think I'm in touch with that emotion. :)
Before I left to meet you I sent a txt to RoZim hinting at this. And she responded in a way that put things in perfect perspective:
"Dude. Change the attitude. You are going to see your dream girl!"
I guess that's what I hate most about being in this position. I can't let myself be as happy as I normally would be, can't let myself get too carried away with it... because it's totally undefined.
Later that night, after I had yet another nice evening with you (and was once again goaded into telling you something I so wanted to, but so wanted to keep to myself... that you are, without a doubt, one of the most beautiful women I've ever personally known) I got another text from her as we were discussing the great people in our lives who had "gotten away".
(This was especially funny because she has been my confidant in everything with you, knowing every detail, even many things that you don't... until you read this)
"Have you ever met someone that you massively liked. And you talk to them and found the conversation to just... flow. The laughter comes and it's genuine and everything is just... fun?"
Uh, yes, I think I'm in touch with that emotion. :)
Limbo
Following your call we went back to things as usual. Daily IM's, txts or even seeing each other in person. A lunch the following Monday prompted by you, a happy hour invitation (again prompted by you) and even dinner/movie plans for the weekend. The weekend plan had meant to be your first introduction to RoZim, my best friend these days. Unfortunately she was already booked so we decided to postpone that meeting for another time when our schedules allowed. I assumed that meant the weekend plan would dissolve but you asked if we could still do something.
And this is limbo.
Even though I'm still spending time with you, I've definitely taken a step back. I try not to think of things as "going somewhere" but rather try to be content with spending a bit of time with you and the happiness that brings me right now. I'm losing that battle.
At the same time, it fosters a sense frustration. I'm surpressing certain thoughts, feelings and words. Things that I would normally do or say as my comfort level increases and we become closer seem out of place and innapropriate with you. I want to compliment you or reach out and touch you but it feels cumbersome and awkward.
And you're not helping. :)
You reach out to me, asking for us to spend time together, but I have no idea if for you it is no different from the time you spend with others. You seem to elicit my feelings and words, as if you want to hear them and know where my emtions are taking me. You ask, you probe and you prompt. I, of course, resist for a moment, then relent and reveal everything... and then regret it immediately. Because I have no idea what my words and feelings mean to you. I feel a fool.
I am exactly where I knew I would be. Completely lost as to how to interpret everything and how to be around you. I won't stop though, not as long as it continues to be pleasurable and as long as there is the possibility that you do feel something. I figure it won't become too uncomfortable for another few weeks, at which point I'll either know where you stand by your actions or the fact that I can no longer handle the limbo and simply ask you outright....
...exactly like I did at dinner over a week ago.
And this is limbo.
Even though I'm still spending time with you, I've definitely taken a step back. I try not to think of things as "going somewhere" but rather try to be content with spending a bit of time with you and the happiness that brings me right now. I'm losing that battle.
At the same time, it fosters a sense frustration. I'm surpressing certain thoughts, feelings and words. Things that I would normally do or say as my comfort level increases and we become closer seem out of place and innapropriate with you. I want to compliment you or reach out and touch you but it feels cumbersome and awkward.
And you're not helping. :)
You reach out to me, asking for us to spend time together, but I have no idea if for you it is no different from the time you spend with others. You seem to elicit my feelings and words, as if you want to hear them and know where my emtions are taking me. You ask, you probe and you prompt. I, of course, resist for a moment, then relent and reveal everything... and then regret it immediately. Because I have no idea what my words and feelings mean to you. I feel a fool.
I am exactly where I knew I would be. Completely lost as to how to interpret everything and how to be around you. I won't stop though, not as long as it continues to be pleasurable and as long as there is the possibility that you do feel something. I figure it won't become too uncomfortable for another few weeks, at which point I'll either know where you stand by your actions or the fact that I can no longer handle the limbo and simply ask you outright....
...exactly like I did at dinner over a week ago.
The Call
Following the Friday dinner and "The Talk" I had two options:
1 - Go straight home (where I would no doubt turn everything over in my head repeatedly all night long, dissecting every nuance of the conversation and whether or not my decision was the right one)
2 - Respond to the calls from friends to go out, where I would hopefully be able to focus less on the choice that seemed as though it was going to be very impactful.
I chose the latter.
The night was not bad, but nowhere near as pleasant as dinner with you before "The Talk" started. I did keep my mind off of things for most of the night, but it was obvious that I wasn't going to be able to just shirk it off. This became especially clear when a cute girl danced up to me, told me she loved the way I danced and we moved together for a while. On any other night that would be rather flattering, but on this Friday night it had no affect at all. There was only one person whose attention I sought and I was becoming increasingly disappointed that I was going to have to just let that go.
I spent the weekend mostly alone, trying to get my head level about everything. I had been putting an immense amount of time, energy and money into my social life for the last two months and I decided that needed to change. I passed on offers to go out on Saturday and Sunday, choosing instead to take care of things around the house.
Then something surprising happened. You called.
And you said (almost) exactly what I wanted to hear. That you felt my decision had been rash and without necessity, perhaps we should rewind and act as though that decision hadn't been made. The conversation wasn't uncomfortable or tense... in fact it was rather light, fun and even a bit more flirtatious than we had been up to that point. Plus, it lasted 3 hours yet seemed to fly by in minutes. You kept apologizing for taking up my time. I wasn't sure if that was your way of hinting that I was taking too much of your time, but every time you would say it all I could think was "Don't you know that you can have as much of my time as you want? Take it, please". :)
You were the one person that I wanted to talk to at that moment, there was nowhere else that I wanted to be.
The conversation ended with me still feeling conflicted. Two days earlier I had successfully side-stepped what I knew was going to become a difficult, complicated situation. Yet, here you were, offering me the opportunity to change my mind. I was surprised that I was rational enough to make the right decision at dinner, I already knew that giving me the chance to spend more time with you would be too much of a temptation to pass up. I also knew that it meant I would be headed for an uncomfortable situation.
I was going to see you, spend time with you, laugh with you, enjoy long, deep conversations with you, but all the while having to maintain this distance (both emotional and physical) which would feel more and more wrong each time. I was going to continue becoming attached to you, falling for you and I would spend every minute wondering if you were feeling anything at all or if I was alone in all of it.
And there was the was the question of why you reached out at all? Was it that you found me pleasant and entertaining and wanted to spend time with me simply because it was fun... or was there some thin sliver of feeling, some inkling of a thought that maybe there was a potential for something between us?
Whatever the case, my decision was made long before we got off of the phone. I knew that I wouldn't pass up an opportunity to see you again.
And I knew that meant I was headed for limbo.
1 - Go straight home (where I would no doubt turn everything over in my head repeatedly all night long, dissecting every nuance of the conversation and whether or not my decision was the right one)
2 - Respond to the calls from friends to go out, where I would hopefully be able to focus less on the choice that seemed as though it was going to be very impactful.
I chose the latter.
The night was not bad, but nowhere near as pleasant as dinner with you before "The Talk" started. I did keep my mind off of things for most of the night, but it was obvious that I wasn't going to be able to just shirk it off. This became especially clear when a cute girl danced up to me, told me she loved the way I danced and we moved together for a while. On any other night that would be rather flattering, but on this Friday night it had no affect at all. There was only one person whose attention I sought and I was becoming increasingly disappointed that I was going to have to just let that go.
I spent the weekend mostly alone, trying to get my head level about everything. I had been putting an immense amount of time, energy and money into my social life for the last two months and I decided that needed to change. I passed on offers to go out on Saturday and Sunday, choosing instead to take care of things around the house.
Then something surprising happened. You called.
And you said (almost) exactly what I wanted to hear. That you felt my decision had been rash and without necessity, perhaps we should rewind and act as though that decision hadn't been made. The conversation wasn't uncomfortable or tense... in fact it was rather light, fun and even a bit more flirtatious than we had been up to that point. Plus, it lasted 3 hours yet seemed to fly by in minutes. You kept apologizing for taking up my time. I wasn't sure if that was your way of hinting that I was taking too much of your time, but every time you would say it all I could think was "Don't you know that you can have as much of my time as you want? Take it, please". :)
You were the one person that I wanted to talk to at that moment, there was nowhere else that I wanted to be.
The conversation ended with me still feeling conflicted. Two days earlier I had successfully side-stepped what I knew was going to become a difficult, complicated situation. Yet, here you were, offering me the opportunity to change my mind. I was surprised that I was rational enough to make the right decision at dinner, I already knew that giving me the chance to spend more time with you would be too much of a temptation to pass up. I also knew that it meant I would be headed for an uncomfortable situation.
I was going to see you, spend time with you, laugh with you, enjoy long, deep conversations with you, but all the while having to maintain this distance (both emotional and physical) which would feel more and more wrong each time. I was going to continue becoming attached to you, falling for you and I would spend every minute wondering if you were feeling anything at all or if I was alone in all of it.
And there was the was the question of why you reached out at all? Was it that you found me pleasant and entertaining and wanted to spend time with me simply because it was fun... or was there some thin sliver of feeling, some inkling of a thought that maybe there was a potential for something between us?
Whatever the case, my decision was made long before we got off of the phone. I knew that I wouldn't pass up an opportunity to see you again.
And I knew that meant I was headed for limbo.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Walking Away
It's actually a few days after the night that I'm writing about, but those days were unpleasant so this is the first time I've really been able to sit down and write something without it being heavily influenced by emotion.
Last Friday was exactly like my Fridays have been for the last month. Plans with you that I looked very forward to. I smiled the entire day because I knew, no matter what, at the end of the day I would get to see your face, watch you smile, hear your laugh, listen to your beautifully-accented words and feel what you make me feel... this total, warm happiness.
Dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. I felt incredibly good, loved how I was dressed and was excited about looking good for you. I waited anxiously at the bar to see what you would be wearing and how beautiful you would look, just like you always do.
The conversation was exactly the way it has been with us from the start. Playful, witty, sometimes serious, intimate and always interesting to me.
Unfortunately at some point we came back around to the conversation which seems somewhat pervasive in our time together... what exactly it is that we're doing. (dating... non-dating?). I admit that I'm always the one to broach this subject since I'm the one concerned about it, and I apologize for that.
The difference this time is that we've now been seeing each other for almost a month and that is enough time for me to know that I'm very interested in spending a significant amount more time with you... and that I also want the relationship to progress to something more serious and intimate. And there's the rub. You're not in a place where that's what you want... and you don't know when or if you will be.
We went back and forth on it as we have a few other times during the short duration of this "romance" or whatever we choose to label it. I chose to make it clear on this occasion that I wouldn't be able to spend time with you like this for much longer without having some sort of clear indication of what we were involved in. I can feel myself becoming attached to you and I know that once that starts, it's only going to progress. I'm falling for you and I don't want to stop. I won't stop. But if letting myself fall is not a good idea, not something healthy for me, then I need to know now. I need to take a step back before it's too late. If you aren't starting to feel some of the same interest, not even a hint of it, then I need to know that. It only seems fair.
So we tussled with the idea, the options and the meaning of it all. During the conversation I would stop and look into your gorgeous dark eyes, thinking to myself "This might be the last time I'm going to get to be with her like this, the last time I'll be able to drift off into her eyes, the last time I'll get to trace the curve of her wonderful lips with my eyes." Not a happy thought.
I explained to you that the situation was very similar to one I faced a few years ago. I knew that I was starting to become attached to someone who announced that she was planning to move half-way across the country. Rather than step back from her, I chose to intensify the relationship to the point that I was extremely attached once her time to leave came. I knew what I should have done but I made a conscious decision to ignore that knowledge and proceed with what would bring me short term pleasure rather than long term happiness. It took a very long time to get over that and I wanted to learn from the mistakes of the past rather than repeat them.
Your solution was to just spend time with you as we had been, as friends. Only I don't think I can do that. I can feel this affection for you starting to grow within me. This need to touch you. This desire to feel your lovely, full lips pressed against mine. This instinct to run my fingers through your hair.
I'm enticed and intrigued by who you are, what you think, the words you speak and the thoughts you share. But I'm also physically attracted to you on a level that is very uncommon. Every curve of you pulls me like gravity. I don't think I can be near you for additional weeks or months and not sate that at some point. Eventually I'll fail in the battle to restrain myself. I'll give in to the overpowering urge to feel your skin... and then what will that do to us?
In the end it was settled. If it was becoming an issue for me then I needed to gain some space, disengage and start letting my hopes and desires go before I became any more attached to you.
That decision was one of the hardest I've ever made. I've been faced with tougher decisions in my life, but I've never chosen to do the "right" thing and doing the "right" thing is much harder than just doing what you want. If I enjoy something then I will continue to do it, even if it is clearly bad for me. I've never been good at telling myself no. Typical spoiled only child, I guess.
As we walked to our cars I felt this huge sadness beginning to bear down on me. I hated that every step I took was one step closer to the last intimate moments I would share with you. I hastily broke from you and went to my car, ending the night in a very unceremonious way, and I apologize for that. It suddenly felt very uncomfortable and I didn't know how to be. I've never thought of you as just a friend and I feel I had made my intentions clear from the very beginning. I could navigate getting closer to you, bit by bit... but I was completely lost in how to suddenly turn that off... so I simply walked away. Again, I apologize.
The next two days were quite unpleasant. Disappointment over finding someone so special, so exquisite, so desirable and interesting, then having to force myself to let her go. Knowing that there was someone out there, so close, that I had actually stumbled across in this big world, and that I wanted to spend more time with, get to know better but would be unable to do so, was very frustrating.
I slept most of the weekend away, but it was very fitful, filled with dreams that felt like negotiations, trying to find some solution to the situation that worked for everyone. I would wake and be reminded of the reality of the situation.
But as much as it had bruised my heart, I knew that it was nothing as painful as if I had let it go on for another month or two and then was forced to make the same decision.
That was still of little comfort.
Last Friday was exactly like my Fridays have been for the last month. Plans with you that I looked very forward to. I smiled the entire day because I knew, no matter what, at the end of the day I would get to see your face, watch you smile, hear your laugh, listen to your beautifully-accented words and feel what you make me feel... this total, warm happiness.
Dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. I felt incredibly good, loved how I was dressed and was excited about looking good for you. I waited anxiously at the bar to see what you would be wearing and how beautiful you would look, just like you always do.
The conversation was exactly the way it has been with us from the start. Playful, witty, sometimes serious, intimate and always interesting to me.
Unfortunately at some point we came back around to the conversation which seems somewhat pervasive in our time together... what exactly it is that we're doing. (dating... non-dating?). I admit that I'm always the one to broach this subject since I'm the one concerned about it, and I apologize for that.
The difference this time is that we've now been seeing each other for almost a month and that is enough time for me to know that I'm very interested in spending a significant amount more time with you... and that I also want the relationship to progress to something more serious and intimate. And there's the rub. You're not in a place where that's what you want... and you don't know when or if you will be.
We went back and forth on it as we have a few other times during the short duration of this "romance" or whatever we choose to label it. I chose to make it clear on this occasion that I wouldn't be able to spend time with you like this for much longer without having some sort of clear indication of what we were involved in. I can feel myself becoming attached to you and I know that once that starts, it's only going to progress. I'm falling for you and I don't want to stop. I won't stop. But if letting myself fall is not a good idea, not something healthy for me, then I need to know now. I need to take a step back before it's too late. If you aren't starting to feel some of the same interest, not even a hint of it, then I need to know that. It only seems fair.
So we tussled with the idea, the options and the meaning of it all. During the conversation I would stop and look into your gorgeous dark eyes, thinking to myself "This might be the last time I'm going to get to be with her like this, the last time I'll be able to drift off into her eyes, the last time I'll get to trace the curve of her wonderful lips with my eyes." Not a happy thought.
I explained to you that the situation was very similar to one I faced a few years ago. I knew that I was starting to become attached to someone who announced that she was planning to move half-way across the country. Rather than step back from her, I chose to intensify the relationship to the point that I was extremely attached once her time to leave came. I knew what I should have done but I made a conscious decision to ignore that knowledge and proceed with what would bring me short term pleasure rather than long term happiness. It took a very long time to get over that and I wanted to learn from the mistakes of the past rather than repeat them.
Your solution was to just spend time with you as we had been, as friends. Only I don't think I can do that. I can feel this affection for you starting to grow within me. This need to touch you. This desire to feel your lovely, full lips pressed against mine. This instinct to run my fingers through your hair.
I'm enticed and intrigued by who you are, what you think, the words you speak and the thoughts you share. But I'm also physically attracted to you on a level that is very uncommon. Every curve of you pulls me like gravity. I don't think I can be near you for additional weeks or months and not sate that at some point. Eventually I'll fail in the battle to restrain myself. I'll give in to the overpowering urge to feel your skin... and then what will that do to us?
In the end it was settled. If it was becoming an issue for me then I needed to gain some space, disengage and start letting my hopes and desires go before I became any more attached to you.
That decision was one of the hardest I've ever made. I've been faced with tougher decisions in my life, but I've never chosen to do the "right" thing and doing the "right" thing is much harder than just doing what you want. If I enjoy something then I will continue to do it, even if it is clearly bad for me. I've never been good at telling myself no. Typical spoiled only child, I guess.
As we walked to our cars I felt this huge sadness beginning to bear down on me. I hated that every step I took was one step closer to the last intimate moments I would share with you. I hastily broke from you and went to my car, ending the night in a very unceremonious way, and I apologize for that. It suddenly felt very uncomfortable and I didn't know how to be. I've never thought of you as just a friend and I feel I had made my intentions clear from the very beginning. I could navigate getting closer to you, bit by bit... but I was completely lost in how to suddenly turn that off... so I simply walked away. Again, I apologize.
The next two days were quite unpleasant. Disappointment over finding someone so special, so exquisite, so desirable and interesting, then having to force myself to let her go. Knowing that there was someone out there, so close, that I had actually stumbled across in this big world, and that I wanted to spend more time with, get to know better but would be unable to do so, was very frustrating.
I slept most of the weekend away, but it was very fitful, filled with dreams that felt like negotiations, trying to find some solution to the situation that worked for everyone. I would wake and be reminded of the reality of the situation.
But as much as it had bruised my heart, I knew that it was nothing as painful as if I had let it go on for another month or two and then was forced to make the same decision.
That was still of little comfort.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
The Night on the Terrace
I told you that I would tell you the details of this story one day. You said you couldn't wait 50 non-dates to hear it. I can't help but wonder if you'll ever read it here and how many non-dates from now that will be.
The night on the terrace was the first time I realized that every other woman was falling completely off of the planet for me because of you. I already knew that I was smitten with you but that night it became clear that I was truly spun.
I was at Union Park on a warm summer night with nothing but the starry sky above my head. My favorite kind of night. The best nights of my life have always been on nights like that.
I was in the midst of a fun, playful period that had defined my life for the previous 2 months. Nights downtown with friends, playful flirtations with beautiful girls, getting the attention that I crave so fiercely. That night was identical to so many others... only I wasn't.
I had been with you the previous night. Dinner and a movie. It had been exactly the way it always was between us during those first few meetings. Your beautiful smile and laughter at my jokes. Your cutting wit and sarcasm intensifying my enamorment of you. Hour after hour where I was lucky enough to be able to look into your lovely eyes and share your wonderful thoughts. Hours that I wanted to last forever but seemed to pass in seconds.
During one moment near the end of the night we separated after the movie. You waited for me outside, leaning against a wall as I emerged. Before you turned to look back at me there was a brief moment when I was able to just look at you, to drink you in. I couldn't say it at the time, we were still in a place where it felt inappropriate... but I honestly thought you were so strikingly beautiful that it slayed me. I wanted so badly to tell you how incredible you were.
So there I was the next night. Out in a beautiful place on a beautiful night surrounded by beautiful women, literally sitting in the middle of a pack of them, playing and flirting... but I just wanted to be with you again.
There was a woman there whom I had met on other similar occasions, a friend of a friend. At one point we moved away from the group and she said to me "You don't quite seem like your normal fun-loving self tonight".
"Yeah. Kinda got something personal going on."
"You like someone?"
"Yeah... yeah, definitely"
"She like you back?"
"I.... don't know"
"And there it is"
"Yup, there it is"
Oddly enough, she was involved in a similar situation, so a huge portion of our night was spent telling each other our stories of these people we had recently met and were excited about, but were also hesitant as to what it meant and where it was leading.
I had been on that terrace many times before. Wonderful parties with the laughter of good friends, the bliss of great memories being made, intimate conversations with those closest to me and dancing ourselves into gratifying exhaustion. But that night it felt incomplete, as if the night's colors had been dulled, the stars didn't twinkle quite as brightly, the drinks didn't taste as sweet and the laughter wasn't quite as pleasurable... because you weren't near.
The night on the terrace was the first time I realized that every other woman was falling completely off of the planet for me because of you. I already knew that I was smitten with you but that night it became clear that I was truly spun.
I was at Union Park on a warm summer night with nothing but the starry sky above my head. My favorite kind of night. The best nights of my life have always been on nights like that.
I was in the midst of a fun, playful period that had defined my life for the previous 2 months. Nights downtown with friends, playful flirtations with beautiful girls, getting the attention that I crave so fiercely. That night was identical to so many others... only I wasn't.
I had been with you the previous night. Dinner and a movie. It had been exactly the way it always was between us during those first few meetings. Your beautiful smile and laughter at my jokes. Your cutting wit and sarcasm intensifying my enamorment of you. Hour after hour where I was lucky enough to be able to look into your lovely eyes and share your wonderful thoughts. Hours that I wanted to last forever but seemed to pass in seconds.
During one moment near the end of the night we separated after the movie. You waited for me outside, leaning against a wall as I emerged. Before you turned to look back at me there was a brief moment when I was able to just look at you, to drink you in. I couldn't say it at the time, we were still in a place where it felt inappropriate... but I honestly thought you were so strikingly beautiful that it slayed me. I wanted so badly to tell you how incredible you were.
So there I was the next night. Out in a beautiful place on a beautiful night surrounded by beautiful women, literally sitting in the middle of a pack of them, playing and flirting... but I just wanted to be with you again.
There was a woman there whom I had met on other similar occasions, a friend of a friend. At one point we moved away from the group and she said to me "You don't quite seem like your normal fun-loving self tonight".
"Yeah. Kinda got something personal going on."
"You like someone?"
"Yeah... yeah, definitely"
"She like you back?"
"I.... don't know"
"And there it is"
"Yup, there it is"
Oddly enough, she was involved in a similar situation, so a huge portion of our night was spent telling each other our stories of these people we had recently met and were excited about, but were also hesitant as to what it meant and where it was leading.
I had been on that terrace many times before. Wonderful parties with the laughter of good friends, the bliss of great memories being made, intimate conversations with those closest to me and dancing ourselves into gratifying exhaustion. But that night it felt incomplete, as if the night's colors had been dulled, the stars didn't twinkle quite as brightly, the drinks didn't taste as sweet and the laughter wasn't quite as pleasurable... because you weren't near.
The Moment My Breath Left Me
The night after our first lunch together I wrote to a close friend.
I had been in a happy period for over a year. Blissful in the freedom I had, living my life without the complications and inherent disappointments of a serious relationship. I wasn't a playboy, I wasn't a conqueror. I was simply enjoying an unfettered life amongst my friends on my own terms. I was beholden to no one and felt none of the frustration those situations always seemed to bring.
The fleeting attentions of women came and went, but I was careful to keep everything in my life light, playful and pleasant. I had made a conscious decision to not pursue anyone, I had learned that the energy spent on said exploits gained only a hollow reward. I would instead sit calmly, letting my life flow over me and for once just be. Whatever was happening was as it should be, there was no need to try and affect it.
I knew half way through our first conversation that was all about to change. I couldn't know where it would lead, but I knew for certain that I would no longer be standing idly by, that I was about to be inspired. Someone rare and exquisite had crossed my path and that couldn't be ignored.
I wrote:
"And then today happened. And I sat across from this beautiful creature, astounded that anyone could be so beautiful... and I listened to her words, her thoughts, her sarcastic playfulness, her french accent, her life growing up in Paris, her full lips, her current pursuit of a PhD, her brown eyes, the four languages she speaks, her long black hair, her political views, her French/Moroccan features, her experiences in the world where I've never been, the wonderful curves of her voluptuous body, her laughter at my jokes and my laughter at hers...
...and all I could think was 'This is actually the exact type of person I've been looking for. I am so fucked.' "
I had been in a happy period for over a year. Blissful in the freedom I had, living my life without the complications and inherent disappointments of a serious relationship. I wasn't a playboy, I wasn't a conqueror. I was simply enjoying an unfettered life amongst my friends on my own terms. I was beholden to no one and felt none of the frustration those situations always seemed to bring.
The fleeting attentions of women came and went, but I was careful to keep everything in my life light, playful and pleasant. I had made a conscious decision to not pursue anyone, I had learned that the energy spent on said exploits gained only a hollow reward. I would instead sit calmly, letting my life flow over me and for once just be. Whatever was happening was as it should be, there was no need to try and affect it.
I knew half way through our first conversation that was all about to change. I couldn't know where it would lead, but I knew for certain that I would no longer be standing idly by, that I was about to be inspired. Someone rare and exquisite had crossed my path and that couldn't be ignored.
I wrote:
"And then today happened. And I sat across from this beautiful creature, astounded that anyone could be so beautiful... and I listened to her words, her thoughts, her sarcastic playfulness, her french accent, her life growing up in Paris, her full lips, her current pursuit of a PhD, her brown eyes, the four languages she speaks, her long black hair, her political views, her French/Moroccan features, her experiences in the world where I've never been, the wonderful curves of her voluptuous body, her laughter at my jokes and my laughter at hers...
...and all I could think was 'This is actually the exact type of person I've been looking for. I am so fucked.' "
The Point of This
This is for me. This is for you.
So that I can remember. So that you can know.
There are things that I can't say now, thoughts that I can't share with you. Conversations about you with friends that you don't know about. Gleeful little moments of anticipation just before I see you and intoxication directly after you've gone. Moments when my heart races just because you're near and no matter how long you stay, each time you leave it's always much too soon. Brief, fleeting glances when I look into your eyes and fall a little bit more.
These are things that I alone know. This is how I can share them with you.
Not today, but maybe one day, depending on where our path leads.
These are the things I would share with you if it were six months from now and if we were "us".
So that I can remember. So that you can know.
There are things that I can't say now, thoughts that I can't share with you. Conversations about you with friends that you don't know about. Gleeful little moments of anticipation just before I see you and intoxication directly after you've gone. Moments when my heart races just because you're near and no matter how long you stay, each time you leave it's always much too soon. Brief, fleeting glances when I look into your eyes and fall a little bit more.
These are things that I alone know. This is how I can share them with you.
Not today, but maybe one day, depending on where our path leads.
These are the things I would share with you if it were six months from now and if we were "us".
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